THIS DAY IN HISTORY: Childlike Wayne Gretzky Throws Tantrum In Public

ON THIS DAY IN 1988, the Edmonton Oilers were winning too many hockey games and making everyone look bad, so they levelled out the playing field by exiling Wayne Gretzky to the desert wastelands of Los Angeles. Wayne wasn’t thrilled about moving to beachfront property. There was crying. There was shouting. When Wayne began tearing up at a press conference, his agent tried to pacify the Great One with promises of putting him on the cover of Sports Illustrated with Magic Johnson. Heck, even Marty McSorley threatened to start an acting career. That was when L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall whispered into Wayne’s ear, “If I put your face on a cereal box, will you stop sulking like a fucking child?!” The snotty-nosed Gretzky bobbed his head and the deal was made.

Don Cherry Stored Safely In Cryogenic Chamber Until Next NHL Season

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TORONTO — With another NHL season in the books, Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry has been safely stowed away in his cryogenic chamber until the 2018-19 NHL season starts up in October. At the ripe age of 84, CBC execs hope to preserve his brash, no-nonsense hockey mind for another 20 seasons.  “He is irreplaceable,” said fellow co-host Ron MacLean.  “But I’ll finally have the summer to enjoy a nice chardonnay and have a say in things without being rudely interrupted by Grapes.”  CBC opened up their cryogenic division in the depths of their studios nearly 4 years ago, specifically for Cherry and actor Gordon Pinsent.  MacLean added that there’s also a chamber reserved for The Nature of Things host David Suzuki, but his views oppose CBC’s government-funded cryogenic technology.

(cue Coach’s Corner outro theme)

Sisqó Found Dead From Mercury Poisoning In Scalp

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MINNEAPOLIS — The rap world is pouring one out for their dead homies when Sisqó passed away in his home last night. According to his coroner, Sisqó aka Mark Andrews died as a result from acute mercury poisoning on his scalp. The recording artist was last seen by a family friend in his bathroom dying his hair silver in preparation for his comeback tour. “The deceased must’ve confused a jar full of mercury for hairdye,” said the coroner. “It doesn’t take an autopsy to know that. I always loved his work in Snow Dogs.” Sisqó became a household name in 2000 with chart-topping singles such as “Thong Song” and…pretty much that. He was 39.

Modern Day Daredevil Defies Odds By Drinking Milk 2 Days Past Expiry Date

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REGINA — All logic was defied when modern day daredevil Chester “Chet” Frey drank an entire 2-litre carton of milk, 2 days past its expiry date.  The dangerous stunt was performed late last night when Frey woke up from a nap and courageously stumbled to the fridge to find the spoiled dairy product.  Frey then backwashed the 2% partly skimmed milk with reckless abandon until the carton ran dry.  “I was thirsty,” said Chet, “but I saw the due date and thought to myself, ‘Do I wanna waste my money pouring it down the kitchen sink?’, so I did it.”  According to sources, his tabby cat Mr. Whiskers was on the scene to witness the iconic event, mewing for encouragement. By press time, Frey reported to a local doctor complaining of abdominal pains and severe diarrhea, but no life-threatening injuries.