Improv Troupe Upstaged By Folding Chair

TORONTO — Local improv troupe IMPROV-A-PALOOZA delivered a lukewarm performance before 68 people at the Village Playhouse last night.  The real star though was a grey folding chair, which remained inanimate throughout the 75-minute show.  According to several audience members, the chair – nicknamed “Foldy” – was the only performer onstage who never broke character during the numerous games played onstage.  One being a tableau exercise, which the chair received a moderate ovation from the crowd.  The rest of the troupe appeared visibly frustrated & desperate to please as the show wore on.  “If I knew the chair was gonna steal the show,” said one spectator. “I would’ve stayed home and watch Whose Line Is It Anyways?!”  The improv troupe was previously upstaged by a ringing cell phone and an usher coughing.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: September 11, 2000 was a rather forgettable day

ON THIS DAY IN 2000, nothing remarkable happened. Nadda. It was Monday. It’s what you’d call a slow news day. Democratic candidate Al Gore was so close to becoming President we could almost taste it. Comedian Dennis Miller was already on his 2nd week as colour commentator for Monday Night Football and America was already regretting it. The New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets as a result of Miller’s obscure references. Yeah, I’m basically stretching at this point. Let’s face it: All of us were slowly coming to terms that the Y2K bug wasn’t gonna take control of our computers and plunge us into chaos after all. The new millennium was off to a fairly boring start. New York hasn’t look any cleaner though. That counts for something, right?

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: Childlike Wayne Gretzky Throws Tantrum In Public

ON THIS DAY IN 1988, the Edmonton Oilers were winning too many hockey games and making everyone look bad, so they levelled out the playing field by exiling Wayne Gretzky to the desert wastelands of Los Angeles. Wayne wasn’t thrilled about moving to beachfront property. There was crying. There was shouting. When Wayne began tearing up at a press conference, his agent tried to pacify the Great One with promises of putting him on the cover of Sports Illustrated with Magic Johnson. Heck, even Marty McSorley threatened to start an acting career. That was when L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall whispered into Wayne’s ear, “If I put your face on a cereal box, will you stop sulking like a fucking child?!” The snotty-nosed Gretzky bobbed his head and the deal was made.

Don Cherry Stored Safely In Cryogenic Chamber Until Next NHL Season

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TORONTO — With another NHL season in the books, Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry has been safely stowed away in his cryogenic chamber until the 2018-19 NHL season starts up in October. At the ripe age of 84, CBC execs hope to preserve his brash, no-nonsense hockey mind for another 20 seasons.  “He is irreplaceable,” said fellow co-host Ron MacLean.  “But I’ll finally have the summer to enjoy a nice chardonnay and have a say in things without being rudely interrupted by Grapes.”  CBC opened up their cryogenic division in the depths of their studios nearly 4 years ago, specifically for Cherry and actor Gordon Pinsent.  MacLean added that there’s also a chamber reserved for The Nature of Things host David Suzuki, but his views oppose CBC’s government-funded cryogenic technology.

(cue Coach’s Corner outro theme)

Sisqó Found Dead From Mercury Poisoning In Scalp

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MINNEAPOLIS — The rap world is pouring one out for their dead homies when Sisqó passed away in his home last night. According to his coroner, Sisqó aka Mark Andrews died as a result from acute mercury poisoning on his scalp. The recording artist was last seen by a family friend in his bathroom dying his hair silver in preparation for his comeback tour. “The deceased must’ve confused a jar full of mercury for hairdye,” said the coroner. “It doesn’t take an autopsy to know that. I always loved his work in Snow Dogs.” Sisqó became a household name in 2000 with chart-topping singles such as “Thong Song” and…pretty much that. He was 39.