THE HEAVENS — Upon somber reflection on Christmas Day, God, Our Heavenly Father reportedly laments skipping out on the birth of His Son, Jesus Harlequin Christ, over 2000 years ago to the day. “I already had a full plate that day,” explained God. “I was busy being a Father elsewhere with all of My other Creations.” The regretful Creator of All Things believes that the course of history could’ve had “a much sunnier” outcome had he been physically present at the birth of Christ. “My Son wouldn’t have been raised by a libtard like Joseph,” decried God, adding that the absence of a strong Father figure consequently lead to “all those atrocities later in His life.” A sulking God admits that He only has Himself to blame for being completely nonexistent to His Son’s needs.
TORONTO — Local improv troupe IMPROV-A-PALOOZA delivered a lukewarm performance before 68 people at the Village Playhouse last night. The real star though was a grey folding chair, which remained inanimate throughout the 75-minute show. According to several audience members, the chair – nicknamed “Foldy” – was the only performer onstage who never broke character during the numerous games played onstage. One being a tableau exercise, which the chair received a moderate ovation from the crowd. The rest of the troupe appeared visibly frustrated & desperate to please as the show wore on. “If I knew the chair was gonna steal the show,” said one spectator. “I would’ve stayed home and watch Whose Line Is It Anyways?!” The improv troupe was previously upstaged by a ringing cell phone and an usher coughing.
ON THIS DAY IN 2000, nothing remarkable happened. Nadda. It was Monday. It’s what you’d call a slow news day. Democratic candidate Al Gore was so close to becoming President we could almost taste it. Comedian Dennis Miller was already on his 2nd week as colour commentator for Monday Night Football and America was already regretting it. The New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets as a result of Miller’s obscure references. Yeah, I’m basically stretching at this point. Let’s face it: All of us were slowly coming to terms that the Y2K bug wasn’t gonna take control of our computers and plunge us into chaos after all. The new millennium was off to a fairly boring start. New York hasn’t look any cleaner though. That counts for something, right?
ON THIS DAY IN 1988, the Edmonton Oilers were winning too many hockey games and making everyone look bad, so they levelled out the playing field by exiling Wayne Gretzky to the desert wastelands of Los Angeles. Wayne wasn’t thrilled about moving to beachfront property. There was crying. There was shouting. When Wayne began tearing up at a press conference, his agent tried to pacify the Great One with promises of putting him on the cover of Sports Illustrated with Magic Johnson. Heck, even Marty McSorley threatened to start an acting career. That was when L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall whispered into Wayne’s ear, “If I put your face on a cereal box, will you stop sulking like a fucking child?!” The snotty-nosed Gretzky bobbed his head and the deal was made.