TORONTO — With another NHL season in the books, Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry has been safely stowed away in his cryogenic chamber until the 2018-19 NHL season starts up in October. At the ripe age of 84, CBC execs hope to preserve his brash, no-nonsense hockey mind for another 20 seasons. “He is irreplaceable,” said fellow co-host Ron MacLean. “But I’ll finally have the summer to enjoy a nice chardonnay and have a say in things without being rudely interrupted by Grapes.” CBC opened up their cryogenic division in the depths of their studios nearly 4 years ago, specifically for Cherry and actor Gordon Pinsent. MacLean added that there’s also a chamber reserved for The Nature of Things host David Suzuki, but his views oppose CBC’s government-funded cryogenic technology.
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MINNEAPOLIS — The rap world is pouring one out for their dead homies when Sisqó passed away in his home last night. According to his coroner, Sisqó aka Mark Andrews died as a result from acute mercury poisoning on his scalp. The recording artist was last seen by a family friend in his bathroom dying his hair silver in preparation for his comeback tour. “The deceased must’ve confused a jar full of mercury for hairdye,” said the coroner. “It doesn’t take an autopsy to know that. I always loved his work in Snow Dogs.” Sisqó became a household name in 2000 with chart-topping singles such as “Thong Song” and…pretty much that. He was 39.
REGINA — All logic was defied when modern day daredevil Chester “Chet” Frey drank an entire 2-litre carton of milk, 2 days past its expiry date. The dangerous stunt was performed late last night when Frey woke up from a nap and courageously stumbled to the fridge to find the spoiled dairy product. Frey then backwashed the 2% partly skimmed milk with reckless abandon until the carton ran dry. “I was thirsty,” said Chet, “but I saw the due date and thought to myself, ‘Do I wanna waste my money pouring it down the kitchen sink?’, so I did it.” According to sources, his tabby cat Mr. Whiskers was on the scene to witness the iconic event, mewing for encouragement. By press time, Frey reported to a local doctor complaining of abdominal pains and severe diarrhea, but no life-threatening injuries.