WASHINGTON — At an unscheduled press conference today, a visibly humbled Donald Trump has announced his resignation as President of the United States. The decision comes as a shock to both Washington insiders and fellow congressmen alike. Trump shared his sudden wave of conscience to reporters as well as shedding a few tears.
“I am not fit to run this country. Never have, never will,” says the 72-year-old while shamefully removing the orange toupée from his scalp. “I can’t hide my secrets any longer. 2 years and 70 days is far too long for a lying, womanizing thief like myself to be governing this fine nation. And for that, I am deeply sorry for driving America into the swamp.”
As an act of solidarity, Mike Pence will also resign as a Vice-President, passing the leadership role to Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi. She will sworn in as the 46th President, thus becoming the very first female head of state.
Trump has also offered to publicly share his tax records and plans to liquidate all of his assets in order to pay off years worth of legal and financial debt. More to follow.
CHICAGO — Outraged by local police dropping charges against “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett, President Donald Trump is demanding the FBI and the Justice Department to review whether or not he appeared in the 1992 Disney film The Mighty Ducks. Trump took to Twitter Thursday to express his disgust for authorities letting the 36-year-old actor go free. “It is an embarrassment to our Nation!” Trump tweeted. “We can’t allow Smollett stealing credit from another poor kid. He’s a born liar. Sad!” The President has personally taken the time to re-watch the film “at least 6 or 7 times” and failed to notice Smollett’s part. “Which one was he suppose to be?” snorted Trump. “Goldberg?”
NEW YORK — The Puppy Bowl XV, the biggest annual puppy sporting event, made history on Sunday night when a fully-grown rabid German Shepherd emerged as the victor. Mr. Pebblesworth, the grizzled nine-year veteran from Team Fluff, won solely on a technicality after he viciously attacked and killed the other canines representing both teams on the field. The former stray also bit the referee’s throat in protest of a ruffing penalty during the first half, along with several other animals present at the event. “Pebblesworth was a last minute addition to the line-up,” said Team Fluff coach Bork Belichick. “We just happened to find him outside the Puppy Bowl studio digging through the trash. You could see the look of a champion in his deranged eyes.” Mr. Pebblesworth was also named Most Valuable Puppy with a game-high 9 tackles and 2 sacks on an animal trainer. The rabid dog would not be present to accept his trophy after being euthanized by personnel immediately after the final whistle.
TORONTO — Local improv troupe IMPROV-A-PALOOZA delivered a lukewarm performance before 68 people at the Village Playhouse last night. The real star though was a grey folding chair, which remained inanimate throughout the 75-minute show. According to several audience members, the chair – nicknamed “Foldy” – was the only performer onstage who never broke character during the numerous games played onstage. One being a tableau exercise, which the chair received a moderate ovation from the crowd. The rest of the troupe appeared visibly frustrated & desperate to please as the show wore on. “If I knew the chair was gonna steal the show,” said one spectator. “I would’ve stayed home and watch Whose Line Is It Anyways?!” The improv troupe was previously upstaged by a ringing cell phone and an usher coughing.
ON THIS DAY IN 2000, nothing remarkable happened. Nadda. It was Monday. It’s what you’d call a slow news day. Democratic candidate Al Gore was so close to becoming President we could almost taste it. Comedian Dennis Miller was already on his 2nd week as colour commentator for Monday Night Football and America was already regretting it. The New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets as a result of Miller’s obscure references. Yeah, I’m basically stretching at this point. Let’s face it: All of us were slowly coming to terms that the Y2K bug wasn’t gonna take control of our computers and plunge us into chaos after all. The new millennium was off to a fairly boring start. New York hasn’t look any cleaner though. That counts for something, right?