THE HEAVENS — Upon somber reflection on Christmas Day, God, Our Heavenly Father reportedly laments skipping out on the birth of His Son, Jesus Harlequin Christ, over 2000 years ago to the day. “I already had a full plate that day,” explained God. “I was busy being a Father elsewhere with all of My other Creations.” The regretful Creator of All Things believes that the course of history could’ve had “a much sunnier” outcome had he been physically present at the birth of Christ. “My Son wouldn’t have been raised by a libtard like Joseph,” decried God, adding that the absence of a strong Father figure consequently lead to “all those atrocities later in His life.” A sulking God admits that He only has Himself to blame for being completely nonexistent to His Son’s needs.
TORONTO — According to early reports, Kawhi Leonard has reached to an agreement to stay with the Toronto Raptors. The NBA Finals MVP plans to sign a five-year, $190 million contract once free agency begins on Sunday. Leonard was offered league-max deals from both the Los Angeles Lakers and Clippers to play in his hometown. In a desperate move, the Raptors offered a deal he couldn’t refuse: relocation of the franchise to Los Angeles. “We also offered him a minority stake in the team and three Hawaiian islands,” said Raptors GM Masai Ujiri. “Hell, we’ll even trade off Drake for Kendrick Lamar.” Toronto fans won’t have to worry about missing the reigning NBA Champions in action. The Raptors will play one exhibition game at the Scotiabank Arena.