WASHINGTON — At an unscheduled press conference today, a visibly humbled Donald Trump has announced his resignation as President of the United States. The decision comes as a shock to both Washington insiders and fellow congressmen alike. Trump shared his sudden wave of conscience to reporters as well as shedding a few tears.
“I am not fit to run this country. Never have, never will,” says the 72-year-old while shamefully removing the orange toupée from his scalp. “I can’t hide my secrets any longer. 2 years and 70 days is far too long for a lying, womanizing thief like myself to be governing this fine nation. And for that, I am deeply sorry for driving America into the swamp.”
As an act of solidarity, Mike Pence will also resign as a Vice-President, passing the leadership role to Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi. She will sworn in as the 46th President, thus becoming the very first female head of state.
Trump has also offered to publicly share his tax records and plans to liquidate all of his assets in order to pay off years worth of legal and financial debt. More to follow.