A Breakdown of Oscar-Nominated Films 2018

The 90th Academy Awards will be presented tonight at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. The race for Best Picture is pretty wide open. Glorified fish porn The Shape of Water leads with 12 Oscar nominations. Here’s a breakdown of all 9 nominees for Best Picture…

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME: Transcends sexuality in a way you’ll rarely see in a film now & beyond. All it took was the ritualistic sacrifice of a virginal peach. Clearly some of us didn’t listen to our parents when they told us not to play with our food. [Check out our review!]

DARKEST HOUR: More like the Dankest Hour, am I right? Not gonna lie, it’s a very monotone film outside of Gary Oldman’s performance. He will get an Oscar without a doubt, but it’ll mainly be for his body of work, namely Kung Fu Panda 2.

DUNKIRK: Dunkirk was FUN-kirk! The planes, the explosions, the loud noises!  This is by far Christopher Nolan’s best sci-fi film yet!

GET OUT: If Sidney Poitier presents the award for Best Picture, some serious shit’s gunna go down son! But it won’t. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway are doing it again. Given last year’s blunder, Rules Don’t Apply stands a better chance at winning.

LADY BIRD: It’s cute. Yeah, whatever. Will it win Best Picture though?  I don’t think the Academy is quite ready for an all-female remake of Birdman.

PHANTOM THREAD: Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t retiring from film. He’s just acting melodramatic. He’ll be making shoes until Quentin Tarantino offers him the role of a lifetime: a well-spoken homicidal racist. He’s too meticulous to simply walk away. The proof is this dry cracker.

THE POST: A Spielberg film starring Hanks & Streep running at 1 hour 56 minutes is far more sleep-inducing than Ken Burns’ 17-hour-long Vietnam War documentary on prairie access.

THE SHAPE OF WATER: Guillermo Del Toro dropped out of a Silent Hill project to do a remake of Splash before Hollywood gets around to making their own hackneyed version. Hopefully that woman masturbating in the tub won’t cost them an Oscar for Best Sound Mixing.

THREE BILLBOARDS ACROSS EBBING, MISSOURI: Frances McDormand will win Best Actress and Sam Rockwell will win for Best Supporting Actor and maybe Best Original Screenplay too. One problem though: those billboards could really use some product placement. Maybe a Best Western ad could reassure drivers after seeing that “Raped While Murdered” sign.

So, who will go home with the prestigious prize?  The Boss Baby, without a doubt.

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