THE HEAVENS — In a recent press junket yesterday, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father vehemently denied all accusations of inventing Christian rock music. For years, much speculation and rumours have been swirling about Our Creator’s involvement with the popular rock movement dedicated to His Holy ways. “Are you fucking kidding me?! I created all living things on this earth, but do you seriously believe I came up with that?” decried the Lord Almighty while holding up a copy of P.O.D.’s 2001 album Satellite. “Jesus Christ was made in My image, not these talentless fan boys!” God then pulled out a vinyl collection featuring the likes of Black Sabbath, Eric Clapton and Death Grips – musicians he claims to be extremely proud of assembling together. He laments sacrificing His only son to the sins of mankind and thus inspiring a wave of “pompous rockers who no longer seek Dionysian ecstasy, but rock out to Creed completely sober.”
