The Super Bowl is a Babylonian cesspool of depraved gambling. Last year, $4.86 billion was invested on Super Bowl wagers. Much of that cash was spent on prop bets, a side bet in which hopeless degenerates drop a few bucks on tiny occurrences like the pre-game coin flip or whether or not Justin Timberlake will reunite with Janet Jackson’s right breast during the halftime show. It can get pretty drap simply betting on the heavily-favoured New England Patriots to win or who’ll score the first touchdown. Don’t you want to feel a rush of blood through your clogged arteries this coming Sunday? Wouldn’t you rather risk your child’s college fund on deciding which broadcaster will make a tasteless #MeToo joke first? Here are 10 Super Bowl LII prop bets that will guarantee you easy money…
1. Will a concussed Rob Gronkowski eat a Tide Pod?
- No! No No No! (+110)
- No means YES, because CTE causes dementia and confused thoughts. (-200)
(Editor’s Note: Yes, we’re aware Gronk has been cleared from concussion protocol. The Patriots medical staff simply want to satisfy their fans, who are dying to see him foam from the mouth.)
2. Who will be the first asshole to spell guacamole on the leather couch at your Super Bowl party?
- Steve, because he should’ve used a side plate. (5/1)
- Jack, because he slammed his 6th Bud Light. (13/2)
- You, because you should’ve known better when you invested in a $2200 leather fucking couch. (3/1)
3. Will the Super Bowl MVP thank God for all the work He did fixing the game?
- Yes (-300)
- No, but God will set him up with an assault charge in the off-season. (+240)
4. How many NFL players kneeling during the national anthem will get thumbtacks lodged up their knees due to a mischievous prank set up by VP Mike Pence?
- Under 5 (-50)
- Over 5 (+70)
5. Will Patriots owner Robert Kraft finally promote Bill Belichick to Sith Lord if & when he wins the Super Bowl?
- No. (+500)
- Yes, as soon as Roger Goodell becomes mystified by New England’s stunning 42-point comeback and resigns as commissioner. (-900)
6. Whose food platter will be left untouched at your Super Bowl party?
- Jack’s day-old fish tacos he brought over from work. (6/1)
- Brad’s “Tex-Mex style” deviled eggs. (15/2)
- Neil’s six-pack of O’Doul’s. (4/1)
7. Who will be the first to blow their wad?
- Star Wars nerds who are eagerly awaiting the new Solo teaser trailer. (-200)
- The housewives, praying for a wardrobe malfunction on Justin Timberlake’s diamond-studded jock strap during the halftime hour. (+150)
8. Will football legend Joe Namath show up intoxicated and likely be hitting on someone’s daughter?
- Nope (-110)
- It just ain’t the Super Bowl without Broadway Joe! (+440)
9. Who is the first to stink up the bathroom at your Super Bowl party?
- Brad because he couldn’t help himself with the jalapeño queso. (20/1)
- Drunk Jack & his putrid-smelling vomit. (4/1)
- Jack’s day-old fish tacos wafting from the kitchen. (7/2)
10. Will Tom Brady retire after Super Bowl LII?
- Hell no! (+110)
- Yes, just for Brady to rub it in the faces of all fanatics who’ve yet to launch their careers by age 40. (-140)
BONUS ROUND! By season’s end, will the Washington Redskins hire Chief Wahoo as their new mascot?
- A big fat NO! (-100)
- Yes, because all racially insensitive mascots deserve a second chance. (+420)